Anyone who so much as drives between Australian cities these
years will notice that an infestation of anti-renewable ideas has taken hold in
pockets of the Australian bush. Alien hate and extremism has infected soils
throughout our wide brown land, sprouting from ruined earth on signs and
banners of slogans and lies. There is no question that these are the fruits of
foreign spores being beamed in from space. But is it just Sky News, or is there
something more nefarious, vast, and sinister at play?
The traditional explanation is that the leaders of fossil
fuel companies have been spreading misinformation. This is disingenuous. Fossil
fuel executives are very smart men, and they employ some of the best
geoscientists on Earth. Exxon figured our global warming before the rest of the
scientific community combined, way back in the 80s, as a side project while
they were saving the world economy from OPEC by applying the newly discovered
theory of plate tectonics to their vast in-house quantity of geophysical data.
The point is, these people know exactly how dangerous sudden
increases in carbon dioxide are to multicellular biomes. They know that if the
trilobites- who had been around for 290 million years at the time- were unable
to find a refuge to wait out the Siberian Flood Basalts, we would be unlikely
to do the same here and now if we wrecked the climate by releasing CO2 even
faster. And while their feeble-minded critics like to chant stale slogans,
like, “There is no planet B,” I really doubt many of those critics have traveled the local arm of the Milky Way enough to actually know what’s out
there.
The Galaxy is full of intellects vast and cool and
unsympathetic, who regard the Earth with envious eyes. And the plans that they
slowly draw up against us aren’t about to be spoiled by a bunch of ex-hippy
entrepreneurs and their wind farms.
The exact relationship between the anti-renewable shills and
their alien overlords is not entirely clear. But then, neither is the ownership
structure of most of their influencing operations. All that really matters is
the shared purpose; stick it to the greenies, bask in the endorphin rush of
winning a fight, and then shrugging off any responsibility for the consequences
(which will be disastrous to everyone reading this essay). And the aliens need
to prevent the widespread adoption of renewable energy because renewable energy
infrastructure is really, really problematic for flying saucer invasions.
Firstly, the electrical infrastructure which distributes
energy around a renewable project, and then exports it to the grid, disrupts
space-based geophysical mapping, making targeting difficult from the inbound
invasion fleet. Alien invasions only really took off in the post-war era, when
the rapid industrialization of agriculture created fields large enough for their
giant intergalactic space ships to land in. Before that, Earth simply had too
many trees to be invaded anywhere other than uninhabitable scorching deserts or
frozen tundra. It was the industrialization of agriculture that opened our
planet up to them, which is why they first started showing up in the quiet
night skies over mid-century American farms.
And if our planet was protected for millions of years by
forests of 25 meter trees, you can imagine the issues with 250 meter wind
turbines? Trying to squeeze into a landing spot between spinning death machines
while transporting millions of alien troopers is much more difficult than
spreading rumours about sleep loss or pastoral outlook. As long as these energy
projects are easily cancelled and delayed, this approach is a no-brainer for
the invasion fleet.
This is important because there is actually quite a lot of
electricity in these installations. Modern turbines produce 6 megawatts of
power. Each. Industrial solar farms run at quite high voltages. The effect of
the huge power surges on the nanoscale circuitry of the UFOs would be
catastrophic. So it is definitely in the interests of all alien life forms that
our fields be kept clear of protective energy infrastructure.
Of course, in most instances the alien overlords of the
anti-renewable lobbies operate at tentacle’s length. In space, no-one can hear
you lobby. They don’t want to be heard until they break the sound barrier on
re-entry. They don’t want to be seen until their heat shield glow and ablate.
Most of the people amplifying concerns about headaches or unhealthy living simply
parrot the lines they are fed from the sketchiest corners of the internet. But
there is one group who sadly may have been tempted with much more intimate
contact.
I mean, look. I know that Australian dairy farmers have had
it tough the last few decades. The supermarket milk wars pushed their margins
to unsustainable levels. Many farmers have left the business, and even before
the fuel crisis, inflation and the cost of deferred maintenance put pressure on
every possible part of the budget. But still. We all know that cows have to get
pregnant and give birth for their milk to come in. But we also all know that it
doesn’t really matter what sort of creature they give birth to. So please, no
matter how hard things get, please, please, please don’t save on studding fees
by pimping your cows out to the stars. Those sorts of aliens have no business
here. No legitimate business, anyway. Practice good animal husbandry. Protect
your livestock. Build windmills and put up panels.
But no matter if it is power line blockades, or turbine
hoaxes, or solar panel visual pollution complaints, these various tactics all
lead back to the same strategy: Keeping the world’s huge agricultural fields
open and available for landing giant flying saucers full of alien invasion
troops. So even if these aliens aren’t lizard people better adapted to a warmer,
wetter world than we are, it is in our interests to thwart their cosmic
beachheads with solar and wind generation.
