Homeland Security bans reality

Today, the Department of Homeland Security is expected to announce a total ban on the use of, possession of, or residence in reality. Following on their prohibition of liquids in air travel and chemicals in chemistry sets, this ban is designed to ensure that the dangerous, unpredictable universe does not fall into the wrong hands.

Says DHS spokesman Norman Tonguesgroove, “In today’s modern world, there is really no valid reason for private citizens to inhabit reality. There are a variety of safer, more sensible alternatives freely or commercially available to the American public. We expect this prohibition to only impact on those radical realists who cling to outmoded ideals.”

The spokesman was quick to add that, where valid research purposes necessitated its use, university and government labs could be licensed to use reality under carefully controlled conditions. All relevant staff would require security clearance before any such work could proceed.

The department downplayed any suggestions that this new regulation was overly broad. “The federal government is expressly charged with providing for a common defense, so there are no constitutional or jurisdictional issues. Reality is simply too hazardous and erratic, even here on Earth. And the rest of the universe is downright lethal,” Tonguesgroove stated. “The only responsible course of action is to simply bar people from interacting with it.” The spokesman also assured key interest groups that their rights to fictional guns, speech, religion, and abortions would not be infringed.

The department expects only minor objection to this plan, as most ideological, religious, and political leaders have only tenuous connections to reality anyway. If anything, they find it more inconvenient than does the department.

This announcement will be made simultaneously on the DHS website and the Second Life Secret Police command center. There will be no physical press conference.