Santa Claus Boycotts Coal

In a dramatic bid to combat global warming, Santa Claus has announced that he will no longer use coal as a stocking stuffer for naughty children.

“As an Arctic resident, I am especially vulnerable to anthropogenic climate change,” said St. Claus at a press conference held at his North Pole workshop. “It is important that I lead by example in combating this problem.”

Santa’s elves considered several adaptive strategies to address global warming, including relocation to East Antarctica, and replacement of the reindeer with antelope, or manatees. But ultimately, they decided that a dramatic, proactive prevention effort was most in the spirit of Christmas. However, in a move certain to provoke controversy, the jolly fat man will be replacing the coal formerly given to naughty children with uranium oxide, the fuel for nuclear reactors.

Claus defends this decision, claiming that in addition to the reduced carbon footprint, the nuclear solution has two added benefits. Firstly, the higher energy density of uranium means that each recalcitrant child will only be receiving a thimbleful of fuel, instead of a large lump of coal- a change that will dramatically reduce the load on the sled. Secondly, Claus believes that the threat of receiving a radioactive stocking gift will act as a greater deterrent than coal ever did. “We looked into the renewable options,” said Claus, “but we feared that little solar cells and windmills might be mistaken for toys.”

The environmental movement’s response to this development has been mixed. Mainstream groups have described the change as “brave”, or “unfortunate but understandable”. Extremist fringe elements have been less equivocal.

“He will not be allowed in our airspace,” said the New Zealand defense minister, “unless he can certify that his sled is free of nuclear fuel.” When pressed about the prospect of denying his nation’s entire juvenile population of their Christmas presents, the minister merely muttered something about overpriced geese, impoverished young cripples, and Humbugs.

The Earth Liberation Front was more direct in its criticism. “Santa Claus embodies the materialist industrial culture that has brought our biosphere to the brink of destruction,” said their spokesman. Further probing revealed that their members had no plans to hang stockings anyway.

No matter how vituperative the reaction is, Santa says that yellowcake is here to stay. “We simply cannot afford to continue our support for the coal industry that threatens to melt our homes and workshops in a matter of decades”, says Claus. But he then added that “All the boys and girls can avoid getting nuclear fuel in their stockings this Christmas simply by being nice instead of naughty.”