Imagine a subtly different alternate universe. A universe where academic jobs were still cutthroat, but a universe where scientists spoke honestly about their ambitions, where scientific competition was as engrained in popular culture as romantic rivalry, and where Avril Lavigne is a promising young analyst:
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I don't like your postdoc!
No way No way!
Think your lab’s in gridlock
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I could be your postdoc
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I know that you cite me
No way! No way!
No it's not a secret
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I want to be your postdoc
Your gas phase, I'll compress it 'till it’s viscous
I use your theory all the time it’s so addictive
Don't you know that I can prove it- I can prove you’re right!
(you’re right you’re right...)
Don't pretend I think you know I'm damn precious
And hell yeah
I'm your sub-field's Fullbright princess
I can tell you like my work, and you know I'm right
Her blanks- so whatever
My pre-cision’s better
I think we should get together now
And that's what everyone's talking about!
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I don't like your postdoc!
No way No way!
Think your lab’s in gridlock
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I could be your postdoc
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I know that you cite me
No way! No way!
No it's not a secret
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I want to be your postdoc
I can see it when your papers citation me
And even when you plagiarize I know you think of me
I know you talk about my protocols
again and again (and again and again and again)
So come over here, tell me what I want to hear
Better yet make your post-doc disappear
I don't want to hear you cite her work ever again
(And again and again and again!)
Her blanks- so whatever
My pre-cision’s better
I think we should get together now
And that's what everyone's talking about!
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I don't like your postdoc!
No way No way!
Think your lab’s in gridlock
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I could be your postdoc
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I know that you cite me
No way! No way!
No it's not a secret
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I want to be your postdoc
In a season you'll be wrapped around my finger
Cuz I can, cuz I can measure better
There's no other
So when's it gonna sink in
A theorist with a lab-
What were you thinking?!
In a decade you'll be working in my basement
Cuz I can, cuz I can fund it better
I’ll have tenure
So when's it gonna sink in
You can adjunct
Or be working in my system!
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I don't like your postdoc!
No way No way!
Think your lab’s in gridlock
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I could be your postdoc
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I know that you cite me
No way! No way!
No it's not a secret
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I want to be your postdoc
No way! No way!
Hey! Hey!
It's a bit scary how few words in the song lyrics I had to change to make this work. Of course, the big conceit here is that in our universe, I find it is the men, and not the women academics who are more likely to be snarky and petty instead of rational and professional.
p.s. link to original music video (so you can sing along).
this is the funniest thing ive read in a long time!!
ReplyDeletei just read/sang the whole thing to The Husband and we were both cracking up, you should submit it to some science song competition thing (assuming some such thing exists)
Thank you, Sara. It is nice to know that of the 6.5 billion people on this planet, I can amuse exactly two of them.
ReplyDeleteI should add that if anyone out there with A/V and musical skillz wants to make a video, I'll happily give you enthusiastic linkage.
ReplyDeleteBetter yet, if somebody can manage to perform this song, live, in front of Dr. Andrew Berry without his prior knowledge (e.g. after class or during conference dead time), that would impress the heck out of a number of us folks from our old research group.
Make that at least three people highly amused. Sara is right - this is hilarious and witty! I can make videos but dang I wish I could sing....
ReplyDeleteI can just see someone getting sufficiently desperate to try a live performance in the Q+A at a big conference talk somewhere...
ReplyDeleteThanks for the email about this. I only read the post this morning. Thank you so much for making me smile! That is fantastic (our lab manager is in love with Avril Lavigne so it resonates particularly well!)
ReplyDeleteI would certainly make me giggle (that is, if anybody performed this song in front of the hon. Dr. Andrew Berry). In fact, makes me giggle just to think of it.....
ReplyDeleteHAAAARRRRRR! I nearly fell out of my chair I laughed so hard. I sang it to my coworker, and my plant only half died.
ReplyDeleteThat made my day. I want to download the song so I can sing this version all the time!
ReplyDeleteThe Author:
ReplyDeleteAnd this makes you different than Dr. Lavigne how?
Strangely enough, my ambition is to retire and go post-docing again. Of course it will help no end to have Social Security and a half decent retirement income.
ReplyDelete