Sexual Sin and Christians (repost)

I originally wrote this for a usenet group as an undergrad back in 1993. This is the edited, cleaned up version. The original can probably be found floating around cyberspace somewhere, but it has more typos, so I prefer this version:

It is a well known phenomenon that Christians, particularly dogmatic, fundamentalist Christians, have a disturbing tendency towards homophobia. There have been many suggestions as to why this is, including direct quotes from scripture, statements by powerful theological figures, and other such religious ideas, but in order for a non-Christian to really understand the nature of this deep-seated prejudice, a non-religious model must be constructed to show exactly why it is that traditional Christian beliefs often seem to conflict with homosexual activity. The following model, which is principally based on traditional Newtonian physics, should do much to explain this phenomenon. Unfortunately, while it may bring understanding to the agnostic physicist or computer scientist, its physical nature will probably enlighten the godless historian or other liberal artist no more than the traditional explanations. However, since such folk are usually excellent at coming up with dubious explanations of variable credibility (abbreviated by biologists as B.S.), we are confident that they can create their own creative explanations, and thus have no use for this one.

We will consider God is a point mass, centered at the origin of our xyz space. Christ, we will assume, is at the right hand of God, or about 100 centimeters away. His mass is probably around 75 kilograms. Since God has a very large mass (a bit less than infinity), Christ, who we will assume is in a circular orbit around God, has a very large momentum, and hence has a very small wavelength. This means that Christ's uncertainty is quite small, so we can therefore conclude that He is fairly certain in all that He does. Now let us consider a sinner. We shall place him at a large distance from God, say one inch and 45 million light-years. He, also being in a circular orbit, will be traveling significantly slower than Christ, and will therefore be more uncertain about it. One should also consider, however, that since Christ's orbit could fit in a kiddie pool, while the sinner's would encompass not only our galaxy, but a few of the nearby ones as well, that the sinner gets around more, sees more, and is generally a more knowledgeable guy than the Savior. This fits in with traditional wisdom. From this situation we can draw a few conclusions. The first is that Mary, the mother of Christ, being a fairly pure person is close to God. This means that she must be a fast woman. The second conclusion that can be drawn is that sinners have a lot more potential than saints, since less of their energy is stored as kinetic energy. Further insights can be gained when we look at the situation of the heathen.

A heathen is someone who is not affected by God. This means that they are at least a infinite distance from Him. Now, assuming that one of these folk starts to travel towards God, he will convert his potential energy to kinetic energy during the approach, or descent. Since he started out an infinite distance away, but with some kinetic energy of his own, he will approach God on a hyperbolic trajectory and then disappear into space again, never to be seen again. If his approach is such that it brings him inside the orbit of the Son of God, then right after his closest approach, the sinner's velocity will be greater than Jesus', which means that he will be more sure of himself in his escape than Christ is in orbit. This is an interesting notion, but some of the side ramifications are even more intriguing.

Without any orbiters, therefore, God would not be able to attract anyone - all approaching bodies would have either parabolic or hyperbolic trajectories. However, once God has an orbiter, the two of them could collaborate to capture other bodies. This means that heathens that get too close to believers in their approaches might get trapped, and by the same token, believers who are buzzed by heathens could be ejected. And what, the reader asks at this point, does any of this have to do with sex? It is after all, that, and not Newtonian physics that gets Christians so agitated. Well, the answer is this: Sex, as we all know, is the union of two or more people. This, in our analogy, would be represented as a collision. Now, in Christianity, almost all of the holy figures are male. For God, a collision between any of these close-in folk would be disastrous, because, even if we assume they are indestructible, such a high energy collision would

eject one of the men in it,
cause one of them to fall into God, or
give them highly irregular elliptical orbits.
All of these would be bad for God, because in the first two He would lose orbiters, making His chance at capturing new ones less, and in the third case He would have a much greater chance of more collisions, as the elliptical orbiters would cross many of the unaffected circular orbits. Therefore, God probably disapproves of these collisions.

Unfortunately, this theory is far from robust. It does not, for example, contain a method for experimentation whereby one can determine its validity. It also assumes that religious figures are sufficiently slow that they do not obtain relativistic speeds. Considering the large mass of God, this seems improbable. In fact, if God is as large as we suggest, the orbit of Christ would probably lie inside of His Schwartzchild radius. This would make figuring out what those two are doing very difficult, since none of the rest of us in the outside universe would be able to see beyond that limit, but because the bond between Them would be incredibly powerful, the evidence all points towards something that the Bible is not in favor of. On the other hand, it is the opinion of this author that whatever one does inside of one's personal black hole is one's own business, and therefore, I shall turn my attention to other matters.